


Is, Is Not

by babel



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-01
Updated: 2011-07-01
Packaged: 2017-10-20 22:19:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/217685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babel/pseuds/babel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim visits Spock before they part ways again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is, Is Not

The young captain is standing at your door, eyes bright and eager. You have to keep reminding yourself that he is Jim. He is your dearest friend. He is like a brother to you.

But he is also not Jim.

You know that you should not let him in, but of course you step out of the way and he saunters past you. He looks around the small room you're staying in until your transport to the Vulcan colony arrives. "Seems like they could get a nicer place for an ambassador."

Like Jim, he enjoys a little preamble before he gets to business. That's fine. You sit in the chair at the small reading desk and fold your hands.

When he realizes you aren't going to say anything, he says, "Enterprise is leaving." His voice is Jim's, but when he looks at you, he is a young man who lost his father and himself when he was young, who is only starting to find his way. He is not Jim.

"Yes." You quirk your eyebrows, giving the swell of longing--to somehow live it all over again with this man who is not Jim--a moment to recede. "And you are the captain, as you should be."

"So." Jim's tongue pokes out to wet his lips. A human trait you've always found intriguing. "Do I make you guys my first officer? Is that the deal?"

You clench your jaw before answering. "No. Only him."

"Yeah, that's, uh. That's what I meant. Listen." He crosses the room and leans over your desk. His eyes are intense, and suddenly he is a great deal more like the Jim you remember. "Was there ever something... Y'know. I mean. I don't sleep with guys. I mean... I don't..." His cheeks redden, and he looks away. You can't help but be amused. When he's embarrassed, he no longer looks like your friend. "There was that one time. But we were drunk, and it was all Bones' fault."

You feel your eyebrows raise up as far as they can go. "Fascinating." Did Jim and Dr. McCoy have such interaction in his own reality? There had been moments he'd considered the possibility.

Jim's cheeks are deeply red now. He pushes himself away from the desk and begins to pace "What's fascinating about it? It's weird, okay? I don't feel like that about you guys. I mean, he's with _Nyota_ , right? And I wanted _her_. I didn't want him. It's just. I met you, and..."

He stops pacing next to the desk, and when he does, he's exceptionally close to you. You have to tilt your head back slightly to look at him. "It's like there was something more. You've got to tell me, okay?" His voice is softer now. "If there was something between you and me... you and him. I mean... I don't know what I mean."

Jim looks down at you, his eyes making tiny movements as he searches your expression for any answers you might not give verbally. You, a man outside of time, his reality and planet destroyed-- You wonder if he can see how lost you are as clearly as you see it in him.

"There wasn't," you say evenly.

"So, why do you look at me like that?"

There is no answer to give him but the truth. "When I see you, I sometimes see my dear friend James Tiberius Kirk. More often, I see someone else."

Jim furrowed his brow, not following. "So, you and me... You and him. Him and me? Nothing ever happened. Will happen. Whatever?"

"No." You begin to rub your arthritic knuckle with your thumb. It's an old injury that you never had Dr. McCoy attend, because you were ashamed that you received it by punching someone who threatened your friend Jim.

Then, it was due to friendship. What would you do for this Jim?

Jim is watching your hands, as if he knows. "You're really old, right?"

"Yes." A smile is trying to tug at your lips.

"So, it's totally crazy to think, you know... I really _don't_ want him. I want you." He chews at his lip. "Right?"

The longing returns, and you wish you were younger. An illogical desire. Age brings wisdom, or at least that is the theory. "Perhaps."

"Yeah..." His eyes are fixed on your mouth now, and you're fairly confident that he is going to kiss you.

He doesn't. "I have to, uh, go."

"Yes. That is for the best." You stand to show him to the door.

"Okay." He doesn't move away, and his eyes have gone slightly unfocused. Again, you see your friend nowhere in that young face. He reaches out for your hand abruptly and shakes it. It's an uncomfortable gesture for both of you, but you can see that he needs the contact. "Thank you for... well, everything, I guess."

Would the Jim you used to know thank you after you'd deprived him of a father, destroyed most of the fleet, disintegrated a planet? You aren't sure. "I do not deserve thanks."

Jim just stares at you, his face tense with some emotion that he is uncharacteristically holding back.

And he hasn't let go of your hand. You arch an eyebrow at him, waiting.

That is when he kisses you. When you aren't expecting it at all.

His lips are soft and hungry and reckless, but frightened somewhere deep down. You have nothing to do but return his kiss; you couldn't reject him. You can sense that it would hurt him very badly, even if it is for his own good.

The kiss doesn't last long, only a few seconds, but Jim is out of breath when he breaks it off. You can feel his breath against your mouth, and his face is so close you can't look at him without your vision blurring.

He is Jim. He is not Jim.

"Jim," you say softly. "The Enterprise. I will talk to Spock. He will try to convince himself to leave Starfleet; he will think it the logical choice."

"Wait..." Jim draws back a fraction. " _You're_ going to talk to Spock?"

You purse your lips. "I... may have misled you slightly. I assure you, I had good reason."

Jim chuckles and runs his fingertips down your cheek. When he pulls back, he's smiling, but his eyes are sad. "Maybe in a hundred years I could want him too."

You allow yourself to look away from him. "He will be a good friend. Or... he will try to be."

"I guess I'll see." Jim moved toward the door, but he didn't go through. "We could be friends too. Write each other and stuff. I want to know what's going on with the colony."

"I..." Don't think that would be appropriate. Don't want to affect your timeline any more than I have. The logical response, but it is not your response. "I would like that, Jim."

His smile widens, and now it shows in his eyes. "Good. And you know you're always welcome on my ship."

You just nod, and he leaves.

You draw a deep breath. You remind yourself that he is Jim--he _is_ Jim--and you know Jim well enough to know he'll move on far more quickly than you will.

One kiss won't change _his_ reality.


End file.
